Interviews Are Traps!

I accidentally have a job interview tomorrow.

The reason it is accidental is due to a particularly bad day at work last month that caused me to go window shopping on seek.com. I threw a few old resumes around, and then suddenly I get a phone call at stupid o'clock this morning, asking if I could come into the city for an interview.

So I said yes..

After a quick google-search for the business (I had no idea what job it was for!) I figured I should polish up my resume and then get focused for this interview. It has been 2 years since I have gone to one, so a minor panic has started to tap on my stomach.

I started to google job interview questions before quickly realising that every one of these "generic" questions has very obvious answers, as well as very obvious ways to fail.

So I am going to teach you guys how to trick your interviewer into believing you as some sort of robotic, proactive god-worker.

And how not to fuck it up.

Why do you want this job?

Why This Is A Trap

Your interviewer wants to see how well you can goggle stuff much you know about their company. You need to demonstrate that you know what sort of company you're going to be working for, and what job you will be expected to do.

Examples:

    

What are your strengths?

Why This Is A Trap

Contrary to popular playground talk, they are not actually interested in how many marshmallows you can stuff in your mouth, nor are they interested in how much you're deadlifting these days. They actually want to know that you won't set the building on fire, you won't get in a fist-fight with "the accounting guy", or curl up in a corner for naps if left alone.

Examples:

What are your weaknesses?

Why This Is A Trap

TRAP! Biggest trap!

This question is not about being honest. It's about being tactful. It's based on manipulating the question, where your negative turns out of be a positive. This is not the time to be telling them that you have a drooling problem, or have a phobia of photocopiers.

Examples:

 

What do you expect to be doing in 5 years time?

Why This Is A Trap

You know what? The interviewer is also thinking the same damn thing as you. Everyone in the room wants to be on a warm beach, sipping long island teas while your bank account is so full it's pushing bills out of the local ATM. Get back to earth and tell them how much you adore [insert company here] again, and hope to stay forever.

(Sidenote: It probably won't get you brownie points if you let the interviewer know that in 5 years' time, you hope to be doing their job. Unless they look like they are 2 Reader Digest books away from retirement, in which case go ahead and make em' proud)

Examples:

  

What is your greatest achievement?

Why This Is A Trap

A great Kill/Death ratio on World of Tanks is great for your normal world, but not for corporate world. Forget what you do in your spare time, they want to know about the shit you got up to at your old/current job. Feel free to exaggerate here. A Lot.

Examples: